Things Nobody Tells You When You're Having A Baby

I have a lot of mom friends. In fact, I would say most of the women I’m friends with at this point in life have babies, which is great because I have heard just about every “my baby pooped up their back” and “my epidural only worked on one leg” horror story out there. This made me feel a little bit more prepared going into the game, and I was...except they left out a few minor details. Women love to talk about baby stuff, that’s a fact, but I feel like y’all don’t mention or just gloss over the really bad stuff and downplay it. Not happening.  Not here.  Not on my blog.  Not today. Nope. If you're easily offended, go ahead and click the X in the upper right hand corner because I’m putting it all out there.  This may not be your experience, but it's also not your blog.  I think some poor sucker who thinks she knows what’s up needs this!

Hair Growth

Yes, you take prenatal vitamins, and yes, they make you have the long, supple locks like that of a mermaid or a Disney princess. That is fabulous. What they don’t tell you is that hair grows like that EVERYWHERE. If you have a problem area, it’s going to be amplified. Facial hair, armpit hair, eyebrow hair, hair on your belly, and especially all hair from the waist down. Which is really great because from about month 7 until about a month after birth, it’s darn near impossible to shave. But here’s the real kicker about that beard and mustache combo that’s growing in better than a 13 year old boy going through puberty-it may or may not go away in a few months after your hormones are back on track. So, do you cut your losses and get rid of it knowing it will grow back with a vengeance? Or do you walk about looking like a cast member from The Greatest Showman for 6-8 months in the hopes that it will go away? The choice is yours! 

Speaking of Hormones...

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll feel like an insane person. Totally normal. But sometimes your thoughts are downright irrational. I would disagree for the sake of arguing because I just wanted to be difficult. I was so easily irritated at work that there were days when I would shut the door to my office and only speak to my coworkers if it was absolutely necessary. In the mornings it became a bit of a “don’t speak unless spoken to” situation. My impatience was amplified with everything - driving, cheer practice, work, my family, everything. The only one who could do anything right was Ozzie. Naturally. The only cure - food. It’s such a magical time.

Tests

If they think you have preeclampsia, you may have the pleasure of doing a 24-hour urine protein analysis test.  This is when you have to collect all of your pee for 24 hours.  Here is the catch - it has to be refrigerated.  Yes, there sits your gallon jug of pee right betwixt the Almond Milk and the OJ! It took Matt about half the day to realize what I was doing with my cups of pee, and he may never recover.  We won't tell him that I took his YETI cooler to the office to keep my pee in the second time around!  THEN you have to take it back to the doctor, and let me tell you, nothing is more humbling than carrying around a jug of your own pee in public.

Almost baby time...

When you’re a few weeks away from go-time, you have weekly doctor appointments. There are days when you literally hit every station in the office - pee in a cup, bloodwork, ultrasound, baby monitor, and exam. If you have an exam the doctors going to check your cervix to see if you’re dilated or effaced yet, and I’m here to tell you that if you're not, it freaking hurts. Not like a tad uncomfortable, like makes you want to jump off the table! 

Labor & Delivery

Here’s a scenario, and it may or may not be my real life experience. (It is.) You will get checked in with this amazing nurse who you really vibe with, then shift change. Suddenly you have Nurse Ratched who questions everything your previous nurse did, which almost makes you feel defensive because you liked her so much. You finally make it through the day with Ratched only to have a brand new nurse, who again, does everything differently.  This continues, and then you have your new nurse for mere minutes before you deliver, so it feels like a stranger is now helping you when you’re most vulnerable. My point is, don’t get comfortable with any nurse or doctor because it’s very temporary. Furthermore, I’ve heard my whole life that you are so over it and in so much pain that you don’t care who comes in the room or who sees what. That was not the case for me at all. I was still super uncomfortable every shift change. 

So many fluids

Once your water breaks, it doesn’t stop. From that point until about 3 days after you deliver, every time you move there will be a gush of fluids coming out of you. Like...an alarming amount. Even if you have a c section, an insane amount of blood is going to come out of you. You don’t get to skip that step. You still get to rock the adult diapers for a couple weeks. I know you’re thinking "diapers!?" but trust me, the diapers are better than the alternative which is a giant - and I do mean giant - pad and stretchy mesh-like panties. Also, the nurses will periodically push on your freshly stitched and stapled belly to get your uterus to contract and move the stuff out of you. Fun!

And so much swelling

You will have swelling while you’re pregnant, but none of it compares to the swelling you have AFTER delivery. My feet and ankles were so big that I feared for my life.  I told myself nobody can have feet this large and live to tell the tale!  Matt called them my hooves (in his best Schmidt voice from "New Girl.") I couldn’t wear socks or shoes, and even slippers were hard to get on. They stay like that for about 10 days. It hurt to walk or touch them, which is what is supposed to help it go away. The best part? After the swelling goes down your feet stay sore from the trauma of it all for another couple of days. So if you thought a pedicure or a nice foot rub was in your near future, ah ah ah, not so fast Tootsie McGee!

Breastfeeding

This section is quite long. It probably could’ve been a whole separate post. Here’s the deal - women seem to have 2 views about breastfeeding. It’s either a magical bonding experience with your angel baby, or it’s miserable. I’m here to tell you it’s a healthy mix of both.  I love that my body can produce exactly what he needs to keep him happy and healthy, and I love that we have that special bond, but let me tell you - some days none of that feels like it's worth what you are putting yourself through.

Human vending machine

Your entire day and night revolves around being a human vending machine. Every hour or 2 hours or 20 minutes you are running around serving up a platter of boob and it is exhausting.  When you’re not doing that, you’re milking yourself. Yes, that’s what I said because that is exactly what we so politely call “pumping” is - milking yourself. You have to pump to have bottles so other people can feed them, otherwise you are the sole source of food and you will literally do nothing else.

It starts immediately and doesn't end

Breastfeeding starts minutes after you give birth.  I was laying in the recovery room - shivering uncontrollably, another thing nobody talks about - and they say “are you breastfeeding?” To which I replied "yes," and suddenly they’re throwing a baby at my bare chest telling me to feed him. WHAT!? I don’t know how to do that. They let me struggle through it before someone politely (albeit condescendingly) asked if this was my first baby.

Your baby may or may not latch on any given day, and this can go on for weeks. Sometimes Logan would latch and eat, and life was good - but sometimes Logan would scream and scream to the point that I would start crying because I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. That’s when I would get out the pump and bottle feed him, leaving me to feel like a failure because the other moms on Facebook all have beautiful selfies with a tit full'o tot. Let me tell you, you’re not failing. Feed your baby however you can. PerioT.

Which brings me back to pumping...

Pumping makes your nipples look like hotdogs for about 30 minutes. No, not cocktail weenies, I’m talking ballpark franks. This isn't exactly pleasant, so invest in some salves, creams, cooling pads, shields, etc. because you're going to need some relief.  You will also need nursing bras with pads because you will leak, especially when the baby cries. Also invest in a Haakaa because when the baby eats on one side, your milk still lets down on the other side (which feels like a million tiny needles are sticking into your boob,) so instead of letting it soak into a pad, catch it to use later. 

Liquid Gold

I will say that breast milk is the cure to anything that ails your baby. Scratches his face? Breast milk. Baby acne? Breast milk. Cradle cap? Breast milk. If you’re fortunate enough to produce more than enough, make sure you lay the bag flat when you freeze it. Otherwise it will be wide and fat, which makes for a freezer full of little milk trolls.

My main point I want to drive home is this - we know breast milk is good for babies, but you being sane is better for them. If you’re drinking all the water and eating the lactation cookies and still only getting an ounce after 30 minutes of pumping, please do what feels right. If your heart says to keep pushing, go girl. If you are exhausted and at your wits end, that’s why there’s formula on the shelves. (Er, well, there was. #coronaprobz) I saw a meme that said “your worth is not measured in ounces," and it’s true. We see the pictures our friends post of their gallons of breastmilk they get to freeze, while the rest of us are barely getting by and it is frustrating.  Don't get sucked in.  You are doing great. Relax. It’s going to be okay.

It's probably gas

I would say that half of the time Logan cries it is because he needs to burp, fart, or poop.  It took a few really long days to figure that out.  I thought something was seriously wrong with my baby.  I recommend investing in some Gripe Water.  If bouncing him and giving him some pats on the back aren't getting us anywhere, I give him a little Gripe Water to help him along.  Also, Gripe Water is the instant hiccup cure!

Trackers on trackers on trackers

You are expected to count and or measure everything they do, so you better start researching some apps because there is no way to remember or track it all.  How many poops a day? How many pees? How many ounces do they eat? How many times a day do they eat? How many hours do they sleep? How many naps do they take?  And the answers to all of the above varies drastically from day to day.  The best advice my sister gave me was "whether it is a good phase or a bad phase, know that it is a phase and it will change in a week. Babies are not consistent at all."

Last but not least, this one is for my boy mamas. Wiener care.

After your baby is circumcised, you have to take care of it, duh. I know what you're thinking, and I agree - this sounds like a job for dad! - but you and I both know they will still need some supervision.  So, every time you change their diaper, you have to petroleum jelly that sucker and pull the skin down or else it may get stuck and have to be yanked down by the doctor. Nobody wants that. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

I know that we all have different experiences with pregnancy, and then labor and delivery, and then being a new mom.  Some are worse than others, but I would be doing a disservice to my fellow new moms if I didn't share my experiences to prepare them for what might be.  I will agree with the women who say every single bit of it is worth it.  Even on the bad days I am beyond elated that I have the most perfect boy.  I made him, he is mine, and it is the greatest feeling in the world. Not to mention he is pretty darn cute.  Until next time, stay safe, stay healthy, and stay home!

xo- Kellie