What it feels like...
A thought crossed my mind the other day as I was leaving for my lunch break. I was trying to decide what to eat, and secretly being bummed that I couldn't grab some fried pickles at Buffalo Wild Wings with my co-workers. As I was leaving the parking lot I saw a "skinny" girl walking into The Hog Troth (you might know it as Golden Corral) and I thought to myself...
I wonder what it feels like to never think about weight?
It might sound silly to you, but the last time I remember not worrying about how much I weigh was probably Kindergarten. In my entire school age/adult life I have never known what it feels like to not be concerned with what the scale says. Every bite that enters my mouth and every step I take is calculated, and each outcome is analyzed. Did eating this and doing that make me lose or gain? Should I do more or less? I know I am not the only one who thinks this way. I just wonder what it feels like to open your mouth, insert food, chew, and swallow without one single thought about calories or fat grams. Or what it feels like to walk into a store and know I can wear/look good in all the clothes. Or what it feels like to not have to dig to the bottom of a pile or the back of a rack to find my size? Or what it feels like to order anything I want off the menu and not think about how much work I'll have to do at the gym later to burn it off. I realize that I got myself into this, but that doesn't make it suck any less, which is why I am doing something about it.
A girl recently made national news because of an incident at Old Navy where a mother and daughter were laughing about a tank top being huge in front of that same girl who happened to wear that size. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. While out with friends we were chatting and someone mentioned that they ran into an old school friend. They made the comment "She looked huge, like 250 pounds!" At that time I was 247 pounds, and that mindless comment devastated me. That person didn't have any idea that I was upset and offended, but, to be honest, I really had no right to be offended. It was true. I knew 250 was an unhealthy weight for me, but it still hurt to hear those words reciprocated with laughter. I get how the Old Navy girl feels, and I know it wasn't a fun experience. Mine wasn't fun either. It did, however, light a fire under my butt. As much as it hurt, I needed to hear it.
There is a "Body Acceptance" movement going on that encourages people to love themselves no matter your shape or size. Part of me thinks it is fantastic. The other part of me has a really hard time seeing unhealthy people being so positive about their unhealthy bodies. Don't get me wrong, I don't think being overweight makes you unhealthy, just like I don't believe that being thin makes you healthy, BUT the reason I am healthy and overweight is because I am actively trying to not be overweight. Preaching to people that you don't need to eat healthy or exercise, and you should just love your unhealthy body is a disaster waiting to happen. A disaster in the form of heart conditions, diabetes, sleep apnea, acid reflux, arthritis, high blood pressure, etc, etc, etc. Yeah, it's great to look better and wear smaller sizes, but those are just added bonuses to the main goal, which is being healthy.
So, yes, I love myself, but I will continue to track my food, count out portions, monitor calories burned, refuse the offer to go out to eat, run, force myself to workout after a long day at work, put band-aids on my blisters, go to bootcamp, drink gallons of water, eat salads, go to Zumba, measure myself and weigh myself every week and write it down, post on my Instagram, and blog about it. And I will do these things for the rest of my life. Why? Because that is what it takes to not wonder what it feels like.
I wonder what it feels like to never think about weight?
It might sound silly to you, but the last time I remember not worrying about how much I weigh was probably Kindergarten. In my entire school age/adult life I have never known what it feels like to not be concerned with what the scale says. Every bite that enters my mouth and every step I take is calculated, and each outcome is analyzed. Did eating this and doing that make me lose or gain? Should I do more or less? I know I am not the only one who thinks this way. I just wonder what it feels like to open your mouth, insert food, chew, and swallow without one single thought about calories or fat grams. Or what it feels like to walk into a store and know I can wear/look good in all the clothes. Or what it feels like to not have to dig to the bottom of a pile or the back of a rack to find my size? Or what it feels like to order anything I want off the menu and not think about how much work I'll have to do at the gym later to burn it off. I realize that I got myself into this, but that doesn't make it suck any less, which is why I am doing something about it.
A girl recently made national news because of an incident at Old Navy where a mother and daughter were laughing about a tank top being huge in front of that same girl who happened to wear that size. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. While out with friends we were chatting and someone mentioned that they ran into an old school friend. They made the comment "She looked huge, like 250 pounds!" At that time I was 247 pounds, and that mindless comment devastated me. That person didn't have any idea that I was upset and offended, but, to be honest, I really had no right to be offended. It was true. I knew 250 was an unhealthy weight for me, but it still hurt to hear those words reciprocated with laughter. I get how the Old Navy girl feels, and I know it wasn't a fun experience. Mine wasn't fun either. It did, however, light a fire under my butt. As much as it hurt, I needed to hear it.There is a "Body Acceptance" movement going on that encourages people to love themselves no matter your shape or size. Part of me thinks it is fantastic. The other part of me has a really hard time seeing unhealthy people being so positive about their unhealthy bodies. Don't get me wrong, I don't think being overweight makes you unhealthy, just like I don't believe that being thin makes you healthy, BUT the reason I am healthy and overweight is because I am actively trying to not be overweight. Preaching to people that you don't need to eat healthy or exercise, and you should just love your unhealthy body is a disaster waiting to happen. A disaster in the form of heart conditions, diabetes, sleep apnea, acid reflux, arthritis, high blood pressure, etc, etc, etc. Yeah, it's great to look better and wear smaller sizes, but those are just added bonuses to the main goal, which is being healthy.
So, yes, I love myself, but I will continue to track my food, count out portions, monitor calories burned, refuse the offer to go out to eat, run, force myself to workout after a long day at work, put band-aids on my blisters, go to bootcamp, drink gallons of water, eat salads, go to Zumba, measure myself and weigh myself every week and write it down, post on my Instagram, and blog about it. And I will do these things for the rest of my life. Why? Because that is what it takes to not wonder what it feels like.
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