What do we do now?
Today marks 1 year since Matt's cancer diagnosis. As with most life-changing moments, it feels like yesterday while it also feels like eons ago. You know what I mean, although it is so hard to explain. God willing, this will be my last cancer related post. This blog used to be fun and funny, and it is going to return to being just that!
It's been a little over 4 months since Matt's last round of chemo, and we keep hearing "oh, you guys must be so happy!" And we are happy, but we keep waiting for that huge sigh of relief to come, and it just hasn't yet. While we are extremely thankful for a good report - we now have a whole lifetime of hoping for good reports. I think mentally healing from cancer is a lot like a breakup - you know how they say it takes twice the time the relationship lasted to get over someone - I think it's like that....maybe? We experienced something tragic - and terrifying - and unbelievably difficult in SO many ways. I put on a happy face because I felt like I had to. Nobody wanted to hear me complain, which is why I would say "he's doing really good...we are good...everything is fine." in the grocery store, and then cry in the car on my way home.
I have a blog post that will never be published, and is just there for me to type things out of my head. I was reading through them, and I thought it actually might be interesting to share are a few (appropriate lol) things that I typed in the weeks after finding out Matt had cancer...
"I am so tired. I don't want to complain because it feels ridiculous when Matt is going through so much worse, but I can't even.
I am exhausted - physically...emotionally....mentally...spiritually...and what makes it worse is that we are just getting started.
I can't believe this is happening. The complete disruption to every aspect of life is unbelievable.
Even when I have time to do things I don't have the energy. My tank is empty, and it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get, I just walk around in a fog all day.
so. much. stress.
I’m trying my best to continue with a normal schedule, but very thought and conversation is disrupted by “cancer” flashing through my brain.
I always knew that having any sort of serious medical condition was a tough road, but I think you can’t truly imagine what it’s like until you’ve walked it yourself."
So, where do we go from here? Trying to pick up the pieces and return to life is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. When you lose a loved one to cancer - or any illness really - there is obviously a grieving period. Who knew there was also a grieving period when you survive? When you are so focused on "fighting" it is easy to put your emotions on the backburner. The following months are when the sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety really settle in. It has been an adjustment, but things are finally looking up. We are happy to have sold our townhouse and moved into our new home. I think this has played a huge part in lifting our spirits because it feels like a fresh start! Matt goes back for more scans in a few weeks, and if it is all clear he won't have them again for a year, so remember him in your prayers. I know I've said this over and over, but we truly can't thank everyone enough for your prayers and love throughout this season of life.
It's been a little over 4 months since Matt's last round of chemo, and we keep hearing "oh, you guys must be so happy!" And we are happy, but we keep waiting for that huge sigh of relief to come, and it just hasn't yet. While we are extremely thankful for a good report - we now have a whole lifetime of hoping for good reports. I think mentally healing from cancer is a lot like a breakup - you know how they say it takes twice the time the relationship lasted to get over someone - I think it's like that....maybe? We experienced something tragic - and terrifying - and unbelievably difficult in SO many ways. I put on a happy face because I felt like I had to. Nobody wanted to hear me complain, which is why I would say "he's doing really good...we are good...everything is fine." in the grocery store, and then cry in the car on my way home.
I have a blog post that will never be published, and is just there for me to type things out of my head. I was reading through them, and I thought it actually might be interesting to share are a few (appropriate lol) things that I typed in the weeks after finding out Matt had cancer...
"I am so tired. I don't want to complain because it feels ridiculous when Matt is going through so much worse, but I can't even.
I am exhausted - physically...emotionally....mentally...spiritually...and what makes it worse is that we are just getting started.
I can't believe this is happening. The complete disruption to every aspect of life is unbelievable.
Even when I have time to do things I don't have the energy. My tank is empty, and it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get, I just walk around in a fog all day.
so. much. stress.
I’m trying my best to continue with a normal schedule, but very thought and conversation is disrupted by “cancer” flashing through my brain.
I always knew that having any sort of serious medical condition was a tough road, but I think you can’t truly imagine what it’s like until you’ve walked it yourself."
So, where do we go from here? Trying to pick up the pieces and return to life is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. When you lose a loved one to cancer - or any illness really - there is obviously a grieving period. Who knew there was also a grieving period when you survive? When you are so focused on "fighting" it is easy to put your emotions on the backburner. The following months are when the sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety really settle in. It has been an adjustment, but things are finally looking up. We are happy to have sold our townhouse and moved into our new home. I think this has played a huge part in lifting our spirits because it feels like a fresh start! Matt goes back for more scans in a few weeks, and if it is all clear he won't have them again for a year, so remember him in your prayers. I know I've said this over and over, but we truly can't thank everyone enough for your prayers and love throughout this season of life.
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| This is the only photo that will download for some reason. Not happy about it. -_- |
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